Probably one of the most difficult and misunderstood relationships in our culture is that between a father and his children. For whatever historical reasons, and I'm sure there are many, until recently fathers in our society have received neither the recognition nor the support to do a job that is automatically expected of them.
Just as children for years were expected to be seen but not heard, fathers were expected to be both material providers and strong moral anchors for their children but without spending much time with them. Whereas, mothers spent their days at home, fathers were absent from their children much of the time. For one thing, hours spent at jobs were generally much longer than present day eight hour shifts. Discipline was strict and often a child's main contact with father was from the other end of a leather strap.
But as times changed, attitudes towards childrearing also changed. Mothers were still at the heart of the family but children were less likely to be considered possessions of the parents. Fathers were still expected to provide the material and moral support, but now they were also expected to relate with them, something never before expected. This marked a monumental shift in our society's expectations of its fathers but with little in the way of instruction or support to go along with it.
Needless to say, many fathers failed or were thought of as failing. And it is possible that at least some of our absentee fathers today are victims of society's failure to prepare them adequately for their responsibilities. Some may even think their children are better off without them. But when it comes to fathers, I think children are similar to molten metal that is poured into a lost wax mold. They end up filling in the grooves and hollowed out spaces left behind by their fathers. Their very lives are cooled and shaped by the fathers they never knew or the fathers they were forced to create in their imaginations. The rest of their lives may be spent trying to match the mold of their missing fathers to their own incomplete selves.
The truth is, all of us have an innate need to know our fathers, whether physically or psychically, and this need shapes each of us in some way or other whether we like to admit it or not.
I lived with my own Father for eighteen years and he was a part of my life and my children's lives until he passed away in 1995 at the age of 82. And yet, even knowing him as well as I did, I still have so many unanswered questions about his childhood, about the way he was with my brothers and me, about his relationship with my Mother. So many questions for which I will never have answers. And so, like children everywhere, I fill in the empty spaces as best I can. And I carry my memories of my Father like a treasure. They have indeed helped shape the person I am today. And they have had their part in shaping the people my children have grown to become.
Just as children for years were expected to be seen but not heard, fathers were expected to be both material providers and strong moral anchors for their children but without spending much time with them. Whereas, mothers spent their days at home, fathers were absent from their children much of the time. For one thing, hours spent at jobs were generally much longer than present day eight hour shifts. Discipline was strict and often a child's main contact with father was from the other end of a leather strap.
But as times changed, attitudes towards childrearing also changed. Mothers were still at the heart of the family but children were less likely to be considered possessions of the parents. Fathers were still expected to provide the material and moral support, but now they were also expected to relate with them, something never before expected. This marked a monumental shift in our society's expectations of its fathers but with little in the way of instruction or support to go along with it.
Needless to say, many fathers failed or were thought of as failing. And it is possible that at least some of our absentee fathers today are victims of society's failure to prepare them adequately for their responsibilities. Some may even think their children are better off without them. But when it comes to fathers, I think children are similar to molten metal that is poured into a lost wax mold. They end up filling in the grooves and hollowed out spaces left behind by their fathers. Their very lives are cooled and shaped by the fathers they never knew or the fathers they were forced to create in their imaginations. The rest of their lives may be spent trying to match the mold of their missing fathers to their own incomplete selves.
The truth is, all of us have an innate need to know our fathers, whether physically or psychically, and this need shapes each of us in some way or other whether we like to admit it or not.
I lived with my own Father for eighteen years and he was a part of my life and my children's lives until he passed away in 1995 at the age of 82. And yet, even knowing him as well as I did, I still have so many unanswered questions about his childhood, about the way he was with my brothers and me, about his relationship with my Mother. So many questions for which I will never have answers. And so, like children everywhere, I fill in the empty spaces as best I can. And I carry my memories of my Father like a treasure. They have indeed helped shape the person I am today. And they have had their part in shaping the people my children have grown to become.
